Walking With Jesus

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Yesterday I went for a walk with Jesus. It was a magical moment that filled my heart with Love and Joy.

I am lucky enough to live in southern Spain where I get to enjoy the beauty of both Spain and Gibraltar. For those of you that have never heard of Gibraltar it is located at the southern end of the Iberian peninsular. From the top of Rock, you can enjoy some spectacular views. Around the back of the Rock there is a challenging trail called the Mediterranean Steps.

Usually about once a week I try and tackle the “Med Steps” with my best friend. It’s hard work, but I love a challenge and since I’ve been feeling a lot better (since my bad patch and being knocked off my moped last week) I wanted to make the most of being alive and breath some serious fresh air in ! Plus, it’s a a beautiful way to spend some special time with both my bestie and Our Amigo.

As we got started my arm starting throbbing. It had been sore for a few days now but this pain was more intense. Initially, I tried to ignore it. Obviously that didn’t work. So I then started praying to our Amigo. I was at the back taking in the breathtaking sites and trying not to trip on the rocks when I realised that I was no longer praying to him but talking with him. That he was literally walking by my side and helping me cope with the pain.

I went through a few different emotions at the time. Firstly, was this really him? Could I actually feel Jesus walking by my side? Or was I just imagining it? Was I merely just comforting myself at the thought that through the pain I wasn’t alone? The more I doubted, the stronger the feeling was.

It’s difficult to put into words what I felt yesterday. I can’t put it into a sentance so here are the words that come to mind:

Love

Light

Joy

As if this moment was enough I was also blessed with an incredible dream last night. I started to write this post yesterday but was really struggling on how to get it all down. Afterall, I am in no way a writer! So, I went to bed and asked our Amigo for a little help and guidance.

I didn’t actually think that he was going to answer my prayer straight away! I woke up and initially didn’t remember the dream. Then I was on the way to Mass and it came to me. I was sitting at my dining room table on my laptop working on this post. But I wasn’t alone. Our Father was with me. Literally sat next to me with his arm around me and encouraging me to write it all down. Not to miss out any details and to share it all. He was a loving Father helping his child with her homework. I was overcome with emotion when I remembered it all. I still get teary when I remember the feeling of leaning on him. That pure feeling of perfect Love. When I get a chance, I will try and sketch it!

Lord I want to walk with you, talk to you, listen to you and feel you in my heart every moment of every day. I want to be your friend your confident. Teach me Father, just like you did in my dream.

Another Angel

Yesterday our beloved Tita Victoria passed away. She had been poorly for a long time now and had been suffering but at the same time she still had a lot of life left in her.

Today at her funeral, you could see how much love everyone had for her. The youngest sibling out of 9, needless to say there was a lot of family there. The mass was really emotional but at the same time beautiful. At the end, the priest asked us all to pray for her to make her way into the Kingdom of Heaven to be with our Father and live forever in peace.

So I knew that today at adoration this was one of the things I was going to talk to you about.

A wonderful and very clear image came to me of you embracing her and then my abuela holding her younger sister so tightly. Everyone was so happy. No-one was sick or sad. The image was so clear I’d say it was like a vivid dream.

Thank you for sharing that little glimpse of heaven to me.

On the drive home I had this song stuck in my head….

There will be another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me,
And I will hold on tight
It’s not my place to question,
Only God knows why
I’m just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight
Singin’ hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I’m just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

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Our Hearts Beating as One

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I’ve had a great few days feeling not only happy but also healthy. It’s made a lovely change since the bad run! I know I have you to be thankful for this. Yesterday was a pretty standard day at work, following by a few nice hours at home, a trip to the cinema with my sister and then something wonderful happened.

After the film I was eager to read your word at bedtime. I lay down peacefully and got stuck into the book of John. As I was replying to a message I rested my bible on my chest and placed my hand on top of it. I felt my heart racing im my chest and much to my amazement I could feel my heart beating through the actual bible! The feeling was so amazing I struggle to describe it. It was if our hearts were beating as one.

I knew it was you, there was no doubt about it. I moved it off my chest and place my hand on my heart and I couldn’t feel the same pounding as before. I placed the bible back and there you were again. I welled up knowing you were there in my heart with me.

Whenever we read the Bible, something miraculous happens. You are directly speaking to us. Well last night not only did you just speak to me but I physically felt you. It was magical, emotional and the most wonderful feeling I have ever felt.

The reading that stood out on that page…

John 4:13

Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit.

Light vs Dark

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I was debating whether to write this down or not as it was both a beautiful dream and at the same time one of the worst nightmares I have ever had. I’ve decided that the beautiful part outweighs the dark part so here goes…

Saturday night, my bedtime routine was the same as always. I read the nighttime prayers followed by a nice read of the bible. I was very relaxed and sleepy and subsequently I fell asleep talking to you. (This is definitely my favourite way to go to sleep!)

It felt like I went straight into the dream and the conversation I was having with you just kind of merged into one. The setting was a beautifully lit room, it felt really warm. My best friend was there too and we were praying together. I remember seeing our bibles laid out. We were here for quite a while, in this special place which was very peaceful. I looked over to the right of me and could see a shining light, it was radiating upwards. It was mesmerising and I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It was an angel watching over us. As it drew closer to us something terrifying appeared. From underneath a dark shadow appeared and headed towards me at speed. The room went pitch black and I was all alone. It went straight into my mouth and that was when I woke up gasping for air.

I’m not sure what this dream means exactly, but it certainly makes me want to get closer to you each day. To be in conversation with you as much as possible and to fully open up my heart to you.

The Day I Realised You Were Truly There

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Today has been a day of realisation. What started off as a good day, which are few and far beyond at the moment, quickly turned into a bad day – you know the type, the dark ones.

I’ve realised that as much as I don’t want it to be real, my body is changing. A few good days made me think that maybe it had all gone away, that maybe it was just a ‘bad patch’, a bad dream and I was hoping and praying to you that this was true. The fact is, it isn’t true. Those good days have made me remember what it was like to not feel pain, to not feel fear and the horrid uncertainty that lies around all of this.

It certainly came down hard on me and it made me feel so angry. Angry with my body – for not doing as it should do. Angry with you – for making me go through this. I feel like I’m mourning my old self and at the same time need to learn how to be this new person. I don’t like this new person, she’s weak and vulnerable. I need to be stronger, to be able to look after my family without fear that something will happen to me.
All these feelings had been building up throughout the day and I knew the second I sat down at the chapel I was going to lay it all on you. And that’s exactly what I did. I couldn’t hold back the tears, the blame, the guilt, the sadness and desperation.

And what did you do? The moment I thought that I couldn’t do this anymore. That it wasn’t helping me sitting there crying to you and that I should just head home; You literally came to me and held me. I felt paralysed in your presence. I couldn’t move, all I could think of was that you were there with me and that I couldn’t leave just yet, we had unfinished business. I still had anger in my heart which I had to let go. Feeling you there with me I knew straight away that I wasn’t alone on this journey, that you are suffering with me, that you are carrying me when I feel like I can’t go on and that you will give me all the strength I need to get through this.

Today I realised that you were truly there. Thank you for giving me the extra help I needed to see the light when I was lost in the darkness.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

8/3/2018

Where my Journey Began

I was born in London to an English father and Spanish mother. Raised in the UK and have now been living in Spain for 10 years. I was Baptised, did my Holy Communion and my Confirmation. I attended Catholic schools and have always considered myself a Christian. But what did that really mean to me? Did I believe in God? Of course I did! Did I ever pray? No not really. Did I ever go to Church? Only for Christenings, Weddings and Funerals.

Then everything changed for me one day last year. I’ve been happily married for 5 years and lucky enough to be Mummy of two beautiful children. After a long exhausting day at work followed by the chaos at home I was putting my little boy to bed. Laying next to him with my hand on his heart, he was already fast asleep. Out of nowhere I started to pray. I thanked God for giving us such a wonderful blessing and asked him to always watch over him and keep him safe. Suddenly he woke up and said ‘Mummy, you’re the best Mummy in the world and I love you so much!’ and then passed out again. I felt something in my heart that I had never felt before – like it was about to explode. It was such an intense feeling I was completely overcome with emotion. This was the moment I opened the door and let God into my heart. From that moment on it all escalated very quickly. The more I prayed, the more I felt that amazing feeling of love and peace. I was hooked! For the last year, I’ve been trying to take everything in. I go to mass every Sunday and read a lot to keep learning.

I recently felt a tug at my heart to start writing about all the wonderful experiences I was having. At first it was just for me, so that I would never forget the special moments (I have a terrible memory). But then I realised that he wants me to share my faith and stories. So I’m going to go completely out of my comfort zone and go for it.

If by sharing my stories and experiences I can inspire or help just one person then I am happy with that. So if you come across this blog and are feeling lost, lonely or just need someone to talk to then please drop me an email.

Much Love

Stephanie X