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Counseling for the Soul; The Adoration Chapel

Over the past 18 months I have seen Cardiologists, Neurologists, Rheumatologists, Urologists and the list goes on. They still haven’t figured out what is going on inside this body of mine. They agree that something is definitely going on, but at this moment in time it hasn’t been pin pointed. It’s frustrating to say the least and I’m getting to a point now that it’s affecting my mental health. I’m absolutely rubbish at opening up and talking about my feelings. Even to those who are close to me, I shut down and close myself off. People ask me how I am and my answer is usually “yeah I’m ok” or “yeah I’m feeling better thanks” – I’m nearly always lying. I know it’s not healthy and it’s definitely something I need to work on. Starting from now!

Today I went to see my favourite doctor. The doctor of my soul – Jesus himself. Every Thursday from 4-5pm I go to the Adoration Chapel and spend a beautiful hour with him. I went in today after having a slight breakdown yesterday, I didn’t know how the hour was going to go as to be quite honest I was an emotional mess. I knelt before him and asked him what I always do when I first arrive. “Jesus, please let me feel your love”. It was like an instant hit… he plugged his heart straight into mine. For that hour he took all my pain away. I usually wouldn’t be able to kneel down for longer than 5 minutes as it hurts my hips, knees and back but today I couldn’t not kneel. It felt like he was hugging me from behind and holding me close. I was wrapped up in his love.

He is the one who told me to write this post and even gave me the title. I guess writing my feelings down gets it off my chest and ultimately makes me feel better. Another thing which soothes my soul is drawing. It helps me completely disconnect from the world and forget everything. Unfortunately, sometimes I physically can’t draw because of the pain in my hands or the tremors I get some days. That’s why when I can and I’m feeling inspired, I draw. Here’s a drawing I wanted to share that I did a few weeks ago. It’s still a working progress but it’s an image that kept coming to me when I was at the Adoration Chapel. He’s currently stuck up on my dining room wall. I think that’s where I’m going to keep him because when things get a bit too much for me I go over to him touch his face, place my hand on his heart, say a little prayer and carry on with my day.

Jesus understands the human soul better than anyone – He is Our Wonderful Counselor and I know that he is going to help me get through this.

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Another Angel

Yesterday our beloved Tita Victoria passed away. She had been poorly for a long time now and had been suffering but at the same time she still had a lot of life left in her.

Today at her funeral, you could see how much love everyone had for her. The youngest sibling out of 9, needless to say there was a lot of family there. The mass was really emotional but at the same time beautiful. At the end, the priest asked us all to pray for her to make her way into the Kingdom of Heaven to be with our Father and live forever in peace.

So I knew that today at adoration this was one of the things I was going to talk to you about.

A wonderful and very clear image came to me of you embracing her and then my abuela holding her younger sister so tightly. Everyone was so happy. No-one was sick or sad. The image was so clear I’d say it was like a vivid dream.

Thank you for sharing that little glimpse of heaven to me.

On the drive home I had this song stuck in my head….

There will be another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me,
And I will hold on tight
It’s not my place to question,
Only God knows why
I’m just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight
Singin’ hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I’m just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

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The Day I Realised You Were Truly There

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Today has been a day of realisation. What started off as a good day, which are few and far beyond at the moment, quickly turned into a bad day – you know the type, the dark ones.

I’ve realised that as much as I don’t want it to be real, my body is changing. A few good days made me think that maybe it had all gone away, that maybe it was just a ‘bad patch’, a bad dream and I was hoping and praying to you that this was true. The fact is, it isn’t true. Those good days have made me remember what it was like to not feel pain, to not feel fear and the horrid uncertainty that lies around all of this.

It certainly came down hard on me and it made me feel so angry. Angry with my body – for not doing as it should do. Angry with you – for making me go through this. I feel like I’m mourning my old self and at the same time need to learn how to be this new person. I don’t like this new person, she’s weak and vulnerable. I need to be stronger, to be able to look after my family without fear that something will happen to me.
All these feelings had been building up throughout the day and I knew the second I sat down at the chapel I was going to lay it all on you. And that’s exactly what I did. I couldn’t hold back the tears, the blame, the guilt, the sadness and desperation.

And what did you do? The moment I thought that I couldn’t do this anymore. That it wasn’t helping me sitting there crying to you and that I should just head home; You literally came to me and held me. I felt paralysed in your presence. I couldn’t move, all I could think of was that you were there with me and that I couldn’t leave just yet, we had unfinished business. I still had anger in my heart which I had to let go. Feeling you there with me I knew straight away that I wasn’t alone on this journey, that you are suffering with me, that you are carrying me when I feel like I can’t go on and that you will give me all the strength I need to get through this.

Today I realised that you were truly there. Thank you for giving me the extra help I needed to see the light when I was lost in the darkness.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

8/3/2018